I’m still here… I was here all along; just not writing anything, still keeping up with all of your blogs. I can’t remember when I last posted a proper text post… but I am here, finally.
I’m not sure where to start, but maybe the best thing to write about is the thing that has taken up all of my thoughts recently: I am struggling with my faith. I don’t know when I started feeling this way, but over the last few months I collected tiny doubts, unanswered questions, discrepancies and contradictions between the bible and church. My mind was so full of them, and I tried to push them aside for a while, until Sunday when I sat in church and all of a sudden became aware of the almost unbearable weight of them.
This is where I am right now: I can’t feel God’s presence. I can hardly remember what it feels like. I feel like I am praying into the air and my words turn to nothing.
I believe in God. I believe in Christ. But I no longer understand why we do things the way we do. I don’t understand why we are happy to listen to preachers talk for an hour on Sundays and then carry on with the week, and nothing changes. I no longer understand why we aren’t doing greater works than Jesus did, like he said we would. I don’t think I ever understood. I have so many questions, but I’m not looking for explanations; I’m looking for change in my life and I have no idea where to start.
Right now I feel miserable, like I’m grieving for something, perhaps the old image of God I was clinging to. Even though I understand that I may come to a deeper knowledge of God through this, it hurts. My heart is broken, and I feel so far from God.
Knowing that my sweet friends and my dude are praying for me is helping me to keep my chin up. This song, and this article by Peter Enns are encouraging me, and I am given hope by the thought that maybe God can use my doubt to strengthen and refine me.
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.